chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
You are a genius and a whore.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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