Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
