Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
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