Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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