I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
