i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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