if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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