That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
