If i come over, it means nothing
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
