My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Randomize
