Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
