I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
