Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize