Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Randomize
