Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
you never un-have a 4some
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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