If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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