You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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