My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
