the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
