He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Randomize
