feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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