The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Randomize
