Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
