he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
