I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize