Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
