im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
You were trust falling into bushes
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