I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Randomize
