i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
My vagina just recognized that song.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
