watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Randomize
