I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
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