I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
