If i could tip my vagina, i would.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
