You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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