yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
