i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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