She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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