i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
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