perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Randomize
