I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
