i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
my shit smells like andre
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
