I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
