im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
there is glitter all over my balls
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
