Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
