I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
