The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
