Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
