The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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