two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
