You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
