I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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