The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Randomize
