from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
