like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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