her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
