She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
